Conversion is not something to be taken lightly. It is a really
challenging process which may take years, so a considered commitment is
something I would advise. I can’t stress enough how hard this process can be.
I had a genuine desire to become Jewish- perhaps not to the
extreme level required by the Orthodox Conversion process- but a desire
nonetheless. I didn’t find learning about Jewish that strenuous as I was
genuinely interested in the syllabus, but the amount of coursework and reading
is not to be sniffed at. The family stuff was hard, and explaining to friends
that I wasn’t crazy was difficult too. But the real tough part? That was having
absolutely zero say in your life for three years.
Some things you should know:
– Believe in G-d. This is one of the main tenets of Judaism. If
you don’t and you’re converting for other reasons beyond a true desire to be
Jewish, I would keep this one to yourself. Once you’ve converted it’s between
you and G-d.
– You will not be able to choose where you live. They prefer you
to live in a traditionally Jewish area- even something which has the odd Kosher
amenity and Shul will be frowned upon. You need to be in the hub of it. This
might sound like a given- of course it makes sense- you need to be in an area
which will make it easier for you to eat the right things, be with the right
people, learning facilities are usually on offer locally, nearby Synagogues
etc. It makes complete sense. But as an individual it’s tough. I moved away
from friends and family and felt very much alone. I didn’t particularly like
the area, and it was costing me more money. I didn’t live with people who I
would have chosen to. In the early days I was also in a position that the
people around me didn’t feel ‘normal’, and I couldn’t imagine I would ever
reach that level of Jewish observance. I felt like I had been plucked from my
world and placed somewhere, with no say and no way out. I will caveat that this
is very different for different people- where you are may be absolutely fine
and everyone’s conversion paths are extremely different. But this is my journey
and it shows that this can be a factor, and is therefore something which you
should be aware of.
– Following on from the above you will be assigned a family as
you enter into the last months of your conversion. I’ve spoken with a few
people on this and the timings have been quite different, so there doesn’t seem
to be a rule of thumb here. I struggled with this. I value my privacy and as a
woman of a certain age giving up your feeling of independence to become a
lodger was challenging for me. All of a sudden I had someone (and their many
children) to consider. I often work late or have events and so forth which
meant late returns home and I had a constant fear of waking them, or the woman
of the house would text asking where I was. There is an expectation that you
will spend some time with the family and you may not necessarily want to have a
multitude of children climbing on you, crying through the night, or want to
spend two hours of an evening at a dinner table with someone else’s family
every night. I can’t even begin to explain how draining this is and living it
day to day really messes you up. In the end I barely stayed for dinner- our
hours weren’t completely aligned as they sat down earlier than me- but I was
there every Shabbos and thank G-d I actually had an amazing family; all things
considered it could have been a lot worse. Mentally it’s exhausting as well.
Constantly thinking about lashon hara, making a mistake in front of them that
could be marked against you in a later interview with the Beth Din, thinking
about blessings before and after food- all manner of things. I guess that’s the
point of living with a family- you live what you have learnt in books up until
this point. But it is draining. And you won’t know how long you are with the
family. You are allowed to say if it’s not working out of course, and you
should if it’s really unsuitable. Then of course there is the archaic rule of
Bishul Nochri. This was brought in to prevent intermarriage and essentially
means that as a non- Jew you can’t cook in a Jewish kitchen without rendering
the food and utensils you have used as unkosher. A Jew needs to take part in
some of the process which is easily resolved by them turning on the stove. This
sounds simple but again, think about the implications. The family are out for
the day on a Sunday. You are trying to save money so don’t want a takeaway. You
literally cannot have anything cooked since no one is there to help. In your
own ‘home’. As an adult. Also when they are in to ask them to turn it on and
not being able to do anything by yourself is very difficult. You feel
powerless.
– At some point you will be assigned a teacher. Generally this happens following on from your first or second interview, once your formal application has been received and you have been officially accepted to the course. This is a
private tuition basis and they will tutor you through the conversion syllabus.
This is expensive and prices may be prohibitive. Usually there are ways around
this but if you are in a position like me, in full time employment, then there
isn’t an excuse really- trust me, I’ve tried it. Cost therefore is something to
think about. I think I worked out by the end of conversion on tuition and books alone (across a period of 2.5 years roughly) it cost be close to £4ooo.
– You won’t be able to go on holiday without a full outline of
how you will be doing this ‘kosher’- both in terms of food and modesty. It’s
worth mentioning at this point that I wanted to be Jewish for many reasons, and
orthodox resonated the most. I am completely committed to the religion. But I
don’t want to be a very religious ‘black hatter’ which is what this conversion
is geared for. Therefore I wanted to go on holiday and I did want to wear a
swimsuit. This will be different for all of my readers which I appreciate. If
you’re in a similar boat you can lie, which ultimately is what I had to do.
This was not done lightly and there were many tears over the fact that I even
had to due to the rigidness of this process. But this is what you can be driven
to.
– It goes without saying really that you will need to have some
difficult conversations with work and navigate a flexible working approach for
Fridays, which you really only need to consider in winter depending on where in the world you are. You can’t travel on
Shabbos and so you have to be home, or within walking distance of home, before the
onset of Shabbos. For women it’s before the actual time of Shabbos so that you
can light the candles. Men need to be near a synagogue for the Friday night
service. I was lucky in this instance as my office was really supportive, but this is a non- negotiable area. If
you are serious about being Jewish, and for the conversion process, they are very clear that you will
need to move jobs if your current employment does not allow for this. Conversion and becoming Jewish is your main priority in life to the Beth Din (Jewish Court Authority) and everything else is peripheral.
– You can’t make any plans. Want to change jobs, move, get
married, save money etc? Forget it. You will be trapped in this process for as
long as it takes and making plans is pointless. You can’t predict the outcome
of interviews, you’ll never know how long this will take. Your life will be on
hold for months, if not years as it usually is, and they will wield a power
over you which you will feel the effects of every day. No one will tell you how long any stage will take. No one will tell you when it will end. No one will tell you how long you have to live with a family for, so you move in and don't know when you will be moving out. All of this was the hardest part for me, you don't know what you're working towards and it seems never-ending.
– Wardrobe. Good- bye trousers! Most of mine are in the bin. I
used to be a lover of the skinny jean and my new clothes felt alien to me. This
took some time to get used to. And I spent a fortune in the mean time trying to
buy stuff that I actually liked but was also appropriate for an Orthdox Jewish
women. Wardrobe is a given and I was happy to change to a more modest look, but
if you are going through the same thing, don’t feel that you are alone in
thinking this is not an easy transition. It’s hard. Your clothing is a
representation of you and probably indicative of how your friends dress.
So now you look different from them in addition to feeling different. This
isn’t as easy to change as you might think- it gets easier though and now I
quite like it. I still wear the odd trouser here and there but for the most
part I stick to the right dress and don’t feel like everyone is staring at me,
aware of how unnatural I look.
– Disappointment. This will happen. Repeatedly. At the start it
will be OK but two years in you’ll probably have a breakdown. And then you’ll
pick yourself up and move on. The end never feels like it’s in sight, but it
has to happen eventually right.
I could go on and on, but I guess the point of this is to think
about it. About conversion before you commit. I wish someone had walked me
through this stuff. I wouldn’t have changed anything but at least I would have
been more mentally prepared.
This process will really take it out on you. I felt shell
shocked when I could finally make my own decisions again, and have a say in my
life. You’ll feel ready before you probably are- add at least 6 months to anything
to avoid disappointment, even if you have finished the syllabus. Have good
people around you for guidance. Try to be inspired, because you’ll need it.
Finding and embracing Judaism wasn’t the hard thing in my case,
but being lost in a confused, bureaucratic system with little compassion for
the individuals needs was nothing short of traumatic. There is no sense that
the Beth Din care for you. My direct contact- and indeed my teacher- were very
jaded. They have seen many insincere conversions- not hard when the standard
set is so severe- and I do think this has impacted how harsh they are with new
candidates. Much of the process is spent jumping through hoops and more time
could be spent on making sure the convert is being inspired, and motivated, not
to get to the end of the process but simply to be Jewish. The soul of an
Orthodox Conversion today seems to be missing.
peace out,
conversiongirl
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