Friends and Family

First off, this is probably the most challenging part of conversion in many ways.

You may feel like venting to them about the process depending on how frustrating you're finding your own journey. But I would be careful about opening this personal journey up to too much speculation. You change as you go through it- at the start I was so carefree, I couldn't stop talking about it. And then I met couples who had converted and they were oddly closed about it. Now I know why. After years of something being an all consuming part of your life and having that be what you're known for, with people probing you on it (Jewish and non- Jewish) at every social occasion, the trauma of living with a family and feeling your own mind changing completely in such a relatively short space of time- you're sick of it by the end. Finally being out from under the microscope is like a breath of fresh air. And i'm not talking about being Jewish here- for most converts including me, that's for life. I'm talking about conversion. 

Naturally you'll want to vent to your loved ones. Here are some personal scenarios that have happened with friends and some of the impact that my choice to convert has had on my friendships. 

- Early on in the process a lot of my friends thought it was hilarious- not in an unsupportive way but in a way that suggested they- and I- had no real idea what I was getting myself in for

- This changed to more philosophical debates about religion, and it was a mixed bag. Most were not religious at all and classed themselves as 'atheists' (which I think is possibly one of the most incorrectly used phrases around today, but I won't go into that here). This meant they found it challenging to relate to my new found religiousness and I began to realise, hey- for the first time I might not be able to talk to you about everything I want to here

- As the realities of conversion became more apparent there were lot's of supportive 'That's ridiculous! 's and so on

- As I started to change in dress and thoughts, I had one particularly 'friend' challenge me that I was being being brainwashed

- The deeper I got into conversion the more 'Oh it's fine' s I came out with. Talking about how crap it really was seemed to cement what my life had become and how far away from them I had moved. What was normal anymore? I was in limbo. Shutting them out wasn't necessarily the right thing to do but it was what I felt was best for me at the time. You need to review what's best for you, and likely no way is the right way. For me it was good to keep them neutral; basically I was leading two lives. One which was heavily Jewish and I did lots of 'weird' things and another life which was preserved as much as I could.

- You will miss parties, birthdays, dinners, drinks, baby showers, weddings, Xmas events and so forth because of Shabbos. This is more hard than I can even begin to explain. The benefit of Shabbos certainly outweighed missing these but it was still really sad. They tried to change things as much as possible to accommodate me but all that did was make me feel like a stick in the mud, messing up everyone's plans all the time. They did some things without me and I had to be OK with that. 

A lot of this applies for the family portion as well. They will hopefully be supportive of you as mine have been, but the implications your choice has on them is significant.

- Think about Christmas's. I go but take my own food.

- Take family lunches, I go but bring my own food.

- Eating out? If you only plan on eating kosher, unless your family are able to come with you to a kosher restaurant, you will in theory never eat out with them again and you can't expect them to host events at purely kosher restaurants so unless you can organise your own food to be brought in, these will be challenging. And most likely they will be on a Saturday which if you keep Shabbos, might mean you can't go. I have stayed overnight at hotels to attend events like weddings on a Saturday but this is far from ideal- I couldn't do my hair or makeup for the wedding, as these things are prohibited on Shabbos and let's just say I didn't look my best. This is a massive thing and should not be overlooked in your considerations to become Jewish. 

- Grandchildren. I don't have any children yet but when I do it is a painful thought knowing that they will not be able to spend the weekend at their grandparents house because of Shabbos. Even things like lunches etc will need to be prearranged so that they are eating only kosher food. My mum won't just be able to buy them a treat- and as she's obviously not going to Kosher food stores herself this means she can't really give them much. She may learn what is and isn't kosher from mainstream supermarkets but this will take time, and to be honest I feel bad asking her. All of these may seem small in isolation and may not even really apply to you as you might not be planning on keeping things as much as I do. But this is the level that is expected by the Beth Din and you may have to discuss this with them, so it's worth thinking about. 

My family don't really understand what conversion was like and whilst they know it's tough no one can truly appreciate it I don't think. They are keen to let my partner know how lucky he is that I have done this for him but other than that I have kept them at a bit of a distance. If I told them everything I don't think they would have been as supportive, and actually they would probably have been quite worried. The demands on you, especially if you're in full time employment, is significant. In many ways conversion is nuts- it's crazy, so far from what your usual sphere of experiences would ever be, so far from NORMAL or what you used to considered normal. Someone hit the nail on the head when they said ' You are giving up your every day normal.' Nothing will feel 'normal' for awhile, and when it does it won't be the normal you are used to. Whatever you do please think about what that means for you. 

Conversion is a necessary evil- if you want to be Orthodox you have to do it. And I wanted to and this process taught me how to. But feeling like your life is on hold for several years- precious time you'll never get back- surely is not a good thing. In some ways it's left a bad taste in my mouth about Judaism and that is simply unnecessary. Don't let me scare you off- everyone's journey is different and what I felt challenging you might feel the most natural thing in the world. The point of this blog is simply to emphasise the enormity of what you are about to do and go into it with your eyes open. You're about to change your life. 

peace out

conversiongirl

Orthodox Conversion Journey Part 2

- Money Money Money…. Private lessons don’t fall from the trees and they do cost you. London estimates currently range between £30 and £50 as far as I know (PER PERSON PER WEEK) for one hour. So if you’re doing it as a couple you’re pretty screwed financially. The Beth Din’s response when I suggested that this price was prohibitive? ‘Space out your lessons then’. Which will take me DOUBLE the time by their standards as it would take DOUBLE the time to go through the syllabus. They stay out of the financial arrangement between you and your teacher- but they also recommend the teacher in the first place and therefore you don’t really have much of a choice. Surprise surprise. No choice in an Orthodox conversion? Say whaaaa?! Also, you don't really have a choice about the weekly lesson part. Beyond teaching you the syllabus it's a way of checking up on you, and before each interview with the Beth Din, your teacher will be expected to provide feedback on your progress. 

– Your teachers. Also known as scaremongers. They have a lot of experience but no conversion is the same and they don’t know what the outcome of interviews will be. Trust them to a certain extent, and hopefully have a good relationship with them, but also don’t be surprised if the opposite happens. I had a bad experience with my teachers. It was a very transactional relationship and there was no feeling that they had any true interest in me or me finding spirituality. She was very experienced in working with converts, but was also very jaded and this was reflected in her engagement with me. I felt like just another number in her book which she could tick off, but that she didn’t really feel inspired by my journey in discovering Judaism or even wanted to contribute to making it the best possible one. She went through the syllabus and did it quickly, therefore she felt like she had done her job. I gave her opportunities to learn beyond this ‘bare minimum’ which the syllabus covered, but it didn’t work out. This is rather sad as you will be spending many hours with this person, but I guess that’s just how the cookie crumbles sometimes.

– Learning. Read as much as you can before you start and absolutely learn to read Hebrew, preferably before you even approach the Beth Din in the first place. You don’t have to be fluent by any means but you should know your basic letters. There are many books with detailed summaries of Jewish Life, I would read this so that you have an idea of what you’re getting yourself into. This could be a dangerous exercise to read it without a teacher to give you context, so take this advice with a pinch of salt. But this will be the basics of what you will be expected to know by the end of your conversion. The rest of the syllabus covers, Kashrut (keeping kosher), the Shabbos Home, Shabbos Kitchen, Laws of Yom Tov, Halachos of Brachos, Knowledge of Hebrew Prayers (you must be able to sight read these and be fluent in the ones which you are expected to say daily). I don’t recommend doing this alone unless you have previous knowledge of Judaism. It just wouldn’t make much sense and you will probably have to repeat this reading. At the thick of my conversion I was going through three books simultaneously at any given time, covering different areas of the syllabus in addition to attending group Shiurs (group lessons/ lectures), Jewish events (they want you to show a social connection), synagogue on Shabbos and all of this whilst in full time employment. It is overwhelming and there’s no getting around it, this is a big undertaking which requires a lot of work. You have to learn a whole new life. And not only that, you have the added pressure of being under a microscope with people reviewing your progress. These books are expensive. Start saving. I estimate I spent several hundred pounds on books alone. The more you can borrow the better. I forgot the Parsha. Basically you have to read the bible story each week as well (minus the new testament and Jesus). It’s considered history and is important. You also have to have these books. Chabad does good summaries and text analysis.

– Praying. You should buy a Siddur (daily prayer book) and machzors (Yom Tov or Jewish Festival days prayer books). You will be expected to do certain prayers each day- naturally you could lie about this area if you are not completely sincere about the process but you will have to learn this inside and out regardless. In your interviews you will probably need to talk about what you do in detail and at the very least read from a Siddur and show them that you know the prayers. Some prayers such as food blessings (before and after) should be learnt off by heart.

– Interviews. These are usually spaced 6 months apart. You get a letter 2 – 4 weeks after the interview outlining what the outcome was, progress areas if applicable and next steps, which is usually just a date for the second interview but could be a housing recommendation if they feel you are ready to live with a family which generally indicates that you are entering into the final stages of the process. Don’t be fooled though- this final stage could still very well be 9 months +, i’ve heard all manner of stories.

– No privacy. The Jewish world is a small one and Jews are interested in the conversion process- and will often have their own opinions on it. The biggest thing though is that no one knows that it’s so tough and so will ask you at every occasion. This really private, difficult, challenging and special time will be laid on the table for everyone to see, discuss, gossip about, quiz you about, sympathise about. It’s all you will ever talk about. At the start it’s fine, you don’t really have an understanding how bad it is because you haven’t hit the wall yet, and it’s probably still OK. You’re learning the basics, no problem. But a year in after having lived, breathed and cried Conversion for so long, you’ll be singing a different tune. I used to nip the conversation in the bud as soon as I could by the end. You just want to be normal. You probably feel really Jewish by this point and just want to be accepted, not analysed. It usually comes from a good place, but most people are just nosey.

Phewwww. Lots to think about. Ultimately I’m still pleased I chose this journey but it is really tough, and for all the wrong reasons. I went into this thinking that’s fine- I can handle a couple of years but the reality is very different. And it’s not a couple of years. I spent ages learning, particularly Hebrew, before I even got accepted into the official conversion programme. And apparently my conversion was actually pretty quick (around 2.5 years all in).

My next blog will be a biggie- friends and family. Dunn dunn dunnnn.

Peace out

conversiongirl

Some things to think about before committing to an Orthodox Conversion Part 1

Conversion is not something to be taken lightly. It is a really challenging process which may take years, so a considered commitment is something I would advise. I can’t stress enough how hard this process can be.

I had a genuine desire to become Jewish- perhaps not to the extreme level required by the Orthodox Conversion process- but a desire nonetheless. I didn’t find learning about Jewish that strenuous as I was genuinely interested in the syllabus, but the amount of coursework and reading is not to be sniffed at. The family stuff was hard, and explaining to friends that I wasn’t crazy was difficult too. But the real tough part? That was having absolutely zero say in your life for three years.

Some things you should know:

– Believe in G-d. This is one of the main tenets of Judaism. If you don’t and you’re converting for other reasons beyond a true desire to be Jewish, I would keep this one to yourself. Once you’ve converted it’s between you and G-d.

– You will not be able to choose where you live. They prefer you to live in a traditionally Jewish area- even something which has the odd Kosher amenity and Shul will be frowned upon. You need to be in the hub of it. This might sound like a given- of course it makes sense- you need to be in an area which will make it easier for you to eat the right things, be with the right people, learning facilities are usually on offer locally, nearby Synagogues etc. It makes complete sense. But as an individual it’s tough. I moved away from friends and family and felt very much alone. I didn’t particularly like the area, and it was costing me more money. I didn’t live with people who I would have chosen to. In the early days I was also in a position that the people around me didn’t feel ‘normal’, and I couldn’t imagine I would ever reach that level of Jewish observance. I felt like I had been plucked from my world and placed somewhere, with no say and no way out. I will caveat that this is very different for different people- where you are may be absolutely fine and everyone’s conversion paths are extremely different. But this is my journey and it shows that this can be a factor, and is therefore something which you should be aware of.

– Following on from the above you will be assigned a family as you enter into the last months of your conversion. I’ve spoken with a few people on this and the timings have been quite different, so there doesn’t seem to be a rule of thumb here. I struggled with this. I value my privacy and as a woman of a certain age giving up your feeling of independence to become a lodger was challenging for me. All of a sudden I had someone (and their many children) to consider. I often work late or have events and so forth which meant late returns home and I had a constant fear of waking them, or the woman of the house would text asking where I was. There is an expectation that you will spend some time with the family and you may not necessarily want to have a multitude of children climbing on you, crying through the night, or want to spend two hours of an evening at a dinner table with someone else’s family every night. I can’t even begin to explain how draining this is and living it day to day really messes you up. In the end I barely stayed for dinner- our hours weren’t completely aligned as they sat down earlier than me- but I was there every Shabbos and thank G-d I actually had an amazing family; all things considered it could have been a lot worse. Mentally it’s exhausting as well. Constantly thinking about lashon hara, making a mistake in front of them that could be marked against you in a later interview with the Beth Din, thinking about blessings before and after food- all manner of things. I guess that’s the point of living with a family- you live what you have learnt in books up until this point. But it is draining. And you won’t know how long you are with the family. You are allowed to say if it’s not working out of course, and you should if it’s really unsuitable. Then of course there is the archaic rule of Bishul Nochri. This was brought in to prevent intermarriage and essentially means that as a non- Jew you can’t cook in a Jewish kitchen without rendering the food and utensils you have used as unkosher. A Jew needs to take part in some of the process which is easily resolved by them turning on the stove. This sounds simple but again, think about the implications. The family are out for the day on a Sunday. You are trying to save money so don’t want a takeaway. You literally cannot have anything cooked since no one is there to help. In your own ‘home’. As an adult. Also when they are in to ask them to turn it on and not being able to do anything by yourself is very difficult. You feel powerless.

– At some point you will be assigned a teacher. Generally this happens following on from your first or second interview, once your formal application has been received and you have been officially accepted to the course. This is a private tuition basis and they will tutor you through the conversion syllabus. This is expensive and prices may be prohibitive. Usually there are ways around this but if you are in a position like me, in full time employment, then there isn’t an excuse really- trust me, I’ve tried it. Cost therefore is something to think about. I think I worked out by the end of conversion on tuition and books alone (across a period of 2.5 years roughly) it cost be close to £4ooo. 

– You won’t be able to go on holiday without a full outline of how you will be doing this ‘kosher’- both in terms of food and modesty. It’s worth mentioning at this point that I wanted to be Jewish for many reasons, and orthodox resonated the most. I am completely committed to the religion. But I don’t want to be a very religious ‘black hatter’ which is what this conversion is geared for. Therefore I wanted to go on holiday and I did want to wear a swimsuit. This will be different for all of my readers which I appreciate. If you’re in a similar boat you can lie, which ultimately is what I had to do. This was not done lightly and there were many tears over the fact that I even had to due to the rigidness of this process. But this is what you can be driven to.

– It goes without saying really that you will need to have some difficult conversations with work and navigate a flexible working approach for Fridays, which you really only need to consider in winter depending on where in the world you are. You can’t travel on Shabbos and so you have to be home, or within walking distance of home, before the onset of Shabbos. For women it’s before the actual time of Shabbos so that you can light the candles. Men need to be near a synagogue for the Friday night service. I was lucky in this instance as my office was really supportive, but this is a non- negotiable area. If you are serious about being Jewish, and for the conversion process, they are very clear that you will need to move jobs if your current employment does not allow for this. Conversion and becoming Jewish is your main priority in life to the Beth Din (Jewish Court Authority) and everything else is peripheral. 

– You can’t make any plans. Want to change jobs, move, get married, save money etc? Forget it. You will be trapped in this process for as long as it takes and making plans is pointless. You can’t predict the outcome of interviews, you’ll never know how long this will take. Your life will be on hold for months, if not years as it usually is, and they will wield a power over you which you will feel the effects of every day. No one will tell you how long any stage will take. No one will tell you when it will end. No one will tell you how long you have to live with a family for, so you move in and don't know when you will be moving out. All of this was the hardest part for me, you don't know what you're working towards and it seems never-ending. 

– Wardrobe. Good- bye trousers! Most of mine are in the bin. I used to be a lover of the skinny jean and my new clothes felt alien to me. This took some time to get used to. And I spent a fortune in the mean time trying to buy stuff that I actually liked but was also appropriate for an Orthdox Jewish women. Wardrobe is a given and I was happy to change to a more modest look, but if you are going through the same thing, don’t feel that you are alone in thinking this is not an easy transition. It’s hard. Your clothing is a representation of  you and probably indicative of how your friends dress. So now you look different from them in addition to feeling different. This isn’t as easy to change as you might think- it gets easier though and now I quite like it. I still wear the odd trouser here and there but for the most part I stick to the right dress and don’t feel like everyone is staring at me, aware of how unnatural I look.

– Disappointment. This will happen. Repeatedly. At the start it will be OK but two years in you’ll probably have a breakdown. And then you’ll pick yourself up and move on. The end never feels like it’s in sight, but it has to happen eventually right.

I could go on and on, but I guess the point of this is to think about it. About conversion before you commit. I wish someone had walked me through this stuff. I wouldn’t have changed anything but at least I would have been more mentally prepared.

This process will really take it out on you. I felt shell shocked when I could finally make my own decisions again, and have a say in my life. You’ll feel ready before you probably are- add at least 6 months to anything to avoid disappointment, even if you have finished the syllabus. Have good people around you for guidance. Try to be inspired, because you’ll need it.

Finding and embracing Judaism wasn’t the hard thing in my case, but being lost in a confused, bureaucratic system with little compassion for the individuals needs was nothing short of traumatic. There is no sense that the Beth Din care for you. My direct contact- and indeed my teacher- were very jaded. They have seen many insincere conversions- not hard when the standard set is so severe- and I do think this has impacted how harsh they are with new candidates. Much of the process is spent jumping through hoops and more time could be spent on making sure the convert is being inspired, and motivated, not to get to the end of the process but simply to be Jewish. The soul of an Orthodox Conversion today seems to be missing.

peace out,

conversiongirl