Friends and Family

First off, this is probably the most challenging part of conversion in many ways.

You may feel like venting to them about the process depending on how frustrating you're finding your own journey. But I would be careful about opening this personal journey up to too much speculation. You change as you go through it- at the start I was so carefree, I couldn't stop talking about it. And then I met couples who had converted and they were oddly closed about it. Now I know why. After years of something being an all consuming part of your life and having that be what you're known for, with people probing you on it (Jewish and non- Jewish) at every social occasion, the trauma of living with a family and feeling your own mind changing completely in such a relatively short space of time- you're sick of it by the end. Finally being out from under the microscope is like a breath of fresh air. And i'm not talking about being Jewish here- for most converts including me, that's for life. I'm talking about conversion. 

Naturally you'll want to vent to your loved ones. Here are some personal scenarios that have happened with friends and some of the impact that my choice to convert has had on my friendships. 

- Early on in the process a lot of my friends thought it was hilarious- not in an unsupportive way but in a way that suggested they- and I- had no real idea what I was getting myself in for

- This changed to more philosophical debates about religion, and it was a mixed bag. Most were not religious at all and classed themselves as 'atheists' (which I think is possibly one of the most incorrectly used phrases around today, but I won't go into that here). This meant they found it challenging to relate to my new found religiousness and I began to realise, hey- for the first time I might not be able to talk to you about everything I want to here

- As the realities of conversion became more apparent there were lot's of supportive 'That's ridiculous! 's and so on

- As I started to change in dress and thoughts, I had one particularly 'friend' challenge me that I was being being brainwashed

- The deeper I got into conversion the more 'Oh it's fine' s I came out with. Talking about how crap it really was seemed to cement what my life had become and how far away from them I had moved. What was normal anymore? I was in limbo. Shutting them out wasn't necessarily the right thing to do but it was what I felt was best for me at the time. You need to review what's best for you, and likely no way is the right way. For me it was good to keep them neutral; basically I was leading two lives. One which was heavily Jewish and I did lots of 'weird' things and another life which was preserved as much as I could.

- You will miss parties, birthdays, dinners, drinks, baby showers, weddings, Xmas events and so forth because of Shabbos. This is more hard than I can even begin to explain. The benefit of Shabbos certainly outweighed missing these but it was still really sad. They tried to change things as much as possible to accommodate me but all that did was make me feel like a stick in the mud, messing up everyone's plans all the time. They did some things without me and I had to be OK with that. 

A lot of this applies for the family portion as well. They will hopefully be supportive of you as mine have been, but the implications your choice has on them is significant.

- Think about Christmas's. I go but take my own food.

- Take family lunches, I go but bring my own food.

- Eating out? If you only plan on eating kosher, unless your family are able to come with you to a kosher restaurant, you will in theory never eat out with them again and you can't expect them to host events at purely kosher restaurants so unless you can organise your own food to be brought in, these will be challenging. And most likely they will be on a Saturday which if you keep Shabbos, might mean you can't go. I have stayed overnight at hotels to attend events like weddings on a Saturday but this is far from ideal- I couldn't do my hair or makeup for the wedding, as these things are prohibited on Shabbos and let's just say I didn't look my best. This is a massive thing and should not be overlooked in your considerations to become Jewish. 

- Grandchildren. I don't have any children yet but when I do it is a painful thought knowing that they will not be able to spend the weekend at their grandparents house because of Shabbos. Even things like lunches etc will need to be prearranged so that they are eating only kosher food. My mum won't just be able to buy them a treat- and as she's obviously not going to Kosher food stores herself this means she can't really give them much. She may learn what is and isn't kosher from mainstream supermarkets but this will take time, and to be honest I feel bad asking her. All of these may seem small in isolation and may not even really apply to you as you might not be planning on keeping things as much as I do. But this is the level that is expected by the Beth Din and you may have to discuss this with them, so it's worth thinking about. 

My family don't really understand what conversion was like and whilst they know it's tough no one can truly appreciate it I don't think. They are keen to let my partner know how lucky he is that I have done this for him but other than that I have kept them at a bit of a distance. If I told them everything I don't think they would have been as supportive, and actually they would probably have been quite worried. The demands on you, especially if you're in full time employment, is significant. In many ways conversion is nuts- it's crazy, so far from what your usual sphere of experiences would ever be, so far from NORMAL or what you used to considered normal. Someone hit the nail on the head when they said ' You are giving up your every day normal.' Nothing will feel 'normal' for awhile, and when it does it won't be the normal you are used to. Whatever you do please think about what that means for you. 

Conversion is a necessary evil- if you want to be Orthodox you have to do it. And I wanted to and this process taught me how to. But feeling like your life is on hold for several years- precious time you'll never get back- surely is not a good thing. In some ways it's left a bad taste in my mouth about Judaism and that is simply unnecessary. Don't let me scare you off- everyone's journey is different and what I felt challenging you might feel the most natural thing in the world. The point of this blog is simply to emphasise the enormity of what you are about to do and go into it with your eyes open. You're about to change your life. 

peace out

conversiongirl